I looked up to Amir in Ramaz. All his close friends did. He was decisive, brilliant, and blunt. We hid little from him. He expected total honesty from us. When he perceived that we had misattributed a motive he would say so, instantly, in a short sentence delivered in a voice so fast he’d skip the syllables that might slow him down. “You’re-just-saying-that-because…!” “Whatever, you’re-just-trying-to…” We either had to accept his analysis or we had to look deeper for the real motive. His honesty (and Jon’s, of a different sort) was an example to us that we needed to be completely honest with ourselves, with each other.
For a period, I lost touch with Amir after Ramaz. We phoned rarely and saw each other even less often. I visited Brown a couple of times, he visited Sarah Lawrence once… When he moved to New York after his year in Utah it had been 6 years since I had last spent time with him regularly. I found much of his conversation to be about the proper use of his time: he felt that if he was not using his time completely and in a worthwhile way, then he was not using his time morally. He played a lot of computer games and felt guilty about the time he lost playing them. I didn’t have a good handle on what he was doing with his time… working as a programmer for some company with streaming ad content or something. Playing Ultimate Frisbee. Meeting a lot of new people in the upper west side mid-20s singles Jewish community.
Amir would often say that he felt obligated to do something. If he felt obligated he would never try to avoid his responsibilities. Morality can perhaps be divided into moral thought and moral action. Moral thought: I think this is the right thing to do. Moral action: I’ll do it. Many people consider themselves moral because their thoughts are moral. Amir could only consider himself moral if he deployed those thoughts. He thought about children who were disadvantaged, so he was a Big Brother for three years to one boy. He could not reconcile in his mind people who were hungry and homeless, so he participated in organizations to help feed them. Amir treated his family obligations with sincerity and steadfastness. When his father was ill he was there for him constantly.
While the tragedy of Amir’s death has brought me shock and sorrow, the past few months have also brought me peace. I have had his example to celebrate and follow. I have had Amir in front of me and in my thoughts every day. So how can I be sad when Amir is with me? Every day I think to myself: If you think it is right you must do it; if you are honest with yourself in thought you must be honest in deed; if you waste your time you are being dishonest. How can we be sad when Amir is with us?